At Conclusion: Both Kids Up and Dishes Still Undone

There is a part of me that actually wants to be straightening my bedroom, folding and putting away laundry, doing the dinner dishes, and sweeping the floor at 1030 at night. And there is a part of me that wants to be doing something I love, like sipping a hot tea while reading and coaxing Kevin into massaging my feet while he's distracted by a movie... or writing or painting or sewing or even making and sending cards. There is a part of me that wants to go collapse into the darkness that is our window-less bedroom, cover my head with the sheets, and fall into a stupor until one of our two sick kids wakes me up with a middle-of-the-night need. Right now, I am doing a bit and a piece of a few of these things, and then also none of them. Although, sick as I am, I can never seem to get to number two, because I am always stuck at number one. Always. And that is a disease.

So I am writing my blog (which I do enjoy), and I have to pee (and putting this off seems to be another disease of mine, which drives my husband crazy), and I am thirsty (both, really? How astonishing). I have a chore list about a week long, and something smells in the laundry room, despite the fact that the laundry is all clean. Mysterious. I haven't blogged in so long that my pre-blog thoughts are falling over themselves to make it into this post. And so I randomly snatch one up...

I have just finished reading The Vaccine Book by one of the Dr. Sears boys. I would highly recommend it to any parent, and before they even birth. But I already wrote a review on Good Reads. Then again, I didn't expound on any of personal interactions and thoughts.

I think that the thing most on my mind at the conculsion of reading the Afterword (yes--I read the afterword!) is how no matter what decision you make about vaccinations and your children, something terrible could still happen, and then you would have to live with that decision. There is no choice that really lets you off the hook. Therefore, there has to be another way to live with ourselves in this time and culture.

I mean, besides vaccinations, what about microwaves, radiation, plastics, diet, medications, affluence, materialism, media, schooling... ALL the things that we now know so much about and have to make decisions about? I believe that while there may be nothing new under heaven, there really have been simpler times. And for a guilt-a-holic like me, there really were less land-mined times. Once again, there has to be another way to live with ourselves (besides making all the right choices and watching our children float through the perfect lives we made for them).

We have to be imperfect. And to tell you the truth, we don't really want perfection for our children, anyhow. They are not perfect, and some things that are so desirable are really just ways of softening our children and making them selfish monsters. I need Boy and Girl to understand things like persistence and abstinence and responsibility. And even if I don't, there is just no padding them from things, really. We all know that as much as we might plan and organize and obsess, what we map out is hardly ever what really happens. Vaccinations or not, my kids could get any sort of disease or have any crazy thing happen to them. I hate to even write that--because I do so much to avoid their pain--but it's true. And--say it with me one last time--there has to be another way to live with ourselves.

There will be struggle for us all, and pain, and unexpected all-sorts-of-things. Sometimes we may not even be able to extract the good from the terror (as in, now my kids are wiser and better because of so-and-so). I, fortunately, believe that there is peace, hope, and love (and even joy) that transcends. I also believe that if I meditate on the source of peace and hope and love and joy, I will find more of it. And I believe that the source also actively participates in giving me all these things, as well as strength and wisdom and all the other fruits of the Spirit. So read the Bible, pray, and otherwise interact with the Creator of the universe. (And yes, He does exist in the personal form of Jesus Christ). And that, my friends, is the way to live with ourselves.